Our approach

Why structure matters

Most difficult conversations fail before they start. One person brings it up before the other is ready. Someone says something defensive. The conversation shifts from the issue to who said what and how they said it. Nothing gets resolved.

Structure solves this. When both people follow the same steps, in the same order, without seeing each other’s responses until they’ve written their own, the dynamic changes. You can’t react to something you haven’t seen yet. You have to say what’s actually true for you before you know how the other person sees it.

That’s what Repaired provides: a shared container that both people enter together, on their own time, privately.

Why it’s asynchronous

When you’re upset, you can’t think clearly. That’s not a personal failure; it’s physiology. The part of your brain that handles nuanced communication gets overridden by the part that handles threat.

Repaired is async by design. You don’t have to talk when you’re not ready. You reflect when you can actually think. Your partner responds when they’re ready too. The process holds space for both people to be human without penalising either of them for it.

Why both people do the same steps

Most conflict tools are either one-sided (journaling, coaching, therapy for one person) or synchronous (couples sessions, guided conversations that require both people in the room at the same time). Repaired is built so that both people take part, each in their own time.

In a full repair, both people reflect on their own experience, share it privately, and read the other’s reflection before responding. Neither person skips a step. Neither person’s perspective gets the floor first. That symmetry is structural. It’s built into the process, not just encouraged. And when the other person isn’t ready, solo repair walks the same first steps on your own, and the invitation can come later.

What the process looks like

The repair protocol has five phases plus ongoing check-ins. Each phase takes 5 to 20 minutes. You don’t have to finish in one sitting. Both people work through every phase. Neither person skips a step.

The order is the point. Most conflict advice asks you to listen first, but you can’t take someone else’s side in while your own is still pressing to get out. So Repaired refuses to schedule listening before either of you has been heard: both of you get your whole side out first, privately and uninterrupted, and only then does either of you move to listening. No one goes second while still hurting. Why “listen first” fails →

1. Both of you start separately (Phase A). Before anything is shared, each of you sets your intent for the repair and rates how calm you feel. If you are running hot, a short breathing exercise is offered before you write anything.
2. Each of you reflects privately (Phase B). Simultaneously, and without seeing what the other person writes, you each go through the same structured reflection: what happened (just the facts, not your interpretation), how you felt, what you needed, and what you’d ask for. By default, neither of you reads the other’s side until you have written your own. This is the first checkpoint. The app enforces it. The one exception: if the other person hasn’t started, the one who began can send their side early, and it is read first.
3. You mirror each other (Phase C). Once both reflections are submitted, each of you reads the other’s account. Then, before writing anything else, you check your own regulation again, write back what you heard (not your reaction, what you actually heard), validate the other person’s experience, and acknowledge your own contribution to what happened. This is the hardest step in the process, and the most important one.
4. Each of you writes a repair message (Phase D). A repair attempt is a direct message from you to your partner: an acknowledgment, an apology, a boundary, a request, or an expression of gratitude. You write it in your own words. A tone check runs before you send. Again, neither person reads the other’s message until both have sent theirs. That is the second checkpoint.
5. You build an agreement together (Phase E). Something specific and realistic. Not “we’ll communicate better.” What each of you will do differently, what you ask of each other (the other can accept, offer something else, or decline), a check-in schedule, and, if you like, a pause phrase either of you can say in future moments of tension.

Check-ins follow on the schedule you chose: weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly. The repair is complete only when both of you say it is.

What this is not

Repaired is not therapy. There is no licensed practitioner involved. The protocol is a structured communication process, not a mental health intervention.

If your situation involves abuse, coercion, addiction, or a mental health crisis, please seek professional support. For crisis help, contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988) or Crisis Text Line (text HOME to 741741).

The research behind it

The design of Repaired draws on decades of research in conflict resolution, attachment science, and evidence-based communication frameworks. If you want to understand the thinking in depth, start here:

• Why structured repair works: the synthesis of what the research says and how Repaired applies it
• Research overview: peer-reviewed citations behind the protocol design