Practical writing on conflict, repair, and what the research actually says.
The research traditions behind couples therapy each explain a piece of why conflict goes wrong. Almost none of them hand you a sequence. The Repaired Method is that sequence: where it comes from, what the five phases are, and why each one exists.
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The worst time to figure out repair is mid-conflict. Here is the sequence for the quiet moment before the next hard one: six steps, each grounded in decades of research on what actually helps two upset people find their way back.
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The two most researched approaches to couples therapy start from different places: one from decades of observing couples argue, one from attachment science. Here is what each actually does, where the evidence is honestly strong for each, and how to think about choosing.
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Every piece of conflict advice says to listen first. But the moment that makes listening necessary is the same moment that makes it nearly impossible. The problem is not you. It is the sequence.
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Six frameworks explain why relationships break down and what to do about it. But knowledge is not the same as a process. Here is what each framework contributes, and what structured repair provides that none of them do alone.
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ACT is one of the most rigorously tested psychotherapies available. Its application to conflict is underappreciated: rather than changing what you think or feel, it asks whether your behaviour in difficult moments actually serves your values.
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Terry Real's RLT is one of the most direct approaches to couples work available. It names the five things people do in conflict that reliably make things worse, and gives you a concrete framework for doing something different.
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IFS is a model of the mind built on a simple idea: we contain multiple sub-personalities, or parts. Some protect us, some carry old pain, and one of them, the Self, is always intact. Here is how it works and why it matters for conflict.
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EFT is one of the most rigorously tested couples therapies we have. Developed by Sue Johnson, it is built on attachment theory and focused on the emotional bond, not just communication skills. Here is how it works and what the evidence says.
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John Gottman spent decades watching couples argue in a lab, then following them for years to see what happened. Here is what the data found: the Four Horsemen, repair attempts, flooding, and what actually distinguishes couples that stay together.
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NVC is a framework for having hard conversations without making them harder. Here is what it actually means, how the four-step model works, and why most people use it wrong.
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